Getting Caught in Cupid's Crossfire
by jylener22
Summary: Yet another White Day story...only this time it won't be about just one guy and girl confessing their love and having a good time. Going out on a 'group date' can have it's pros and cons, but Ichigo is sometimes left wondering just what is so great about spending quality time with his Vizard friends. Two-shot story request from RomaniaBlack on DA.
1. Chapter 1

Getting Caught in Cupid's Crossfire

"C'mon Ichigo! If we men band together during this time of the year, there's no way we can fail!"

Ichigo quirked an eyebrow at his…how would he classify his relationship with Shinji? In some ways, he would say Shinji had been something of a mentor to him what with his assistance and guidance in training Ichigo to control the Hollow inside him. On the other hand, Ichigo just couldn't bring himself to respect the guy as a mentor because of all the stupid stuff that would spew out of his mouth from time to time, like Shinji claiming that Orihime was his first love and things like that. Obviously, he was more than an acquaintance but he was definitely not quite a friend. So, while there were so many words that could somewhat describe his connection to Shinji…well, he was getting side-tracked.

Right now, Ichigo was trying to come up with an excuse not to go along with Shinji and his hair-brained scheme this Saturday night, which also happened to be March 13. The excuse didn't have to be great, it didn't even have to be good. He just needed something that would work.

In reply to Shinji's statement, Ichigo posed the query, "You're making this whole 'group date' idea of yours sound like some sort of battle strategy. It's only the day before White Day, so what's so important about it?"

Shinji's enormous, toothy grin went south into a disappointed frown as he said, "You are an idiot."

As per usual, this definitely got Ichigo going and he growled, "Say that again, you…you…"

Folding his arms, Shinji said coolly, "Let me rephrase that statement. You are a heartless, unimaginative, stuttering idiot."

Before Ichigo could even begin to respond to these highly insulting and completely untrue statements, Shinji nodded to his friend Hachi, who rather reluctantly set up a barrier around their formidable former pupil. The rest of the male Vizards were in attendance at this meeting as well and none of them looked the least bit interested in helping Ichigo out of his newfound predicament.

Folding his hands behind his back, Shinji said in a long-suffering tone, "However, despite the fact that you seem to be hopelessly lacking in knowledge about the female emotions and how to win their hearts, let it never be said that Shinji anything other than willing to take a new, budding student under his wing."

Pacing back and forth as if he were a teacher in front of a classroom, Shinji went on imperiously, "Valentine's Day is a holiday where the female population is given an opportunity to confess their deep feelings of love and devotion to the male of their choice without fear of repercussion. Or they could simply pass out homemade chocolates to all of their friends who are guys, but that is far less romantic."

Ceasing his pacing, Shinji turned to glare as the trapped Ichigo and continued in an almost irritated tone, "However, on White Day, the male population is left to merely respond in gratitude for the girl's generosity. It is a matter of course where he can either thank the girl for her gift and maybe will let the girl know that he also returns her affections."

Crossing his arms as he replied irritably, Ichigo retorted, "And what's the problem with that? I still don't see what you're all up in arms about."

Throwing up his hands in despair over Ichigo's thick skull and slow wits, Shinji said slowly, "Isn't it obvious? The holidays are set up in such a way that the male can only RESPOND to the female."

Resuming his furious pacing, Shinji said quickly, "We, the males, who have been made and designed to go out and conquer obstacles, hardships and chase after the female of our dreams only AFTER she has already given us chocolate on Valentine's before we can reciprocate her affections on White Day! It's an outrage!"

Ichigo's jaw dropped in surprise and absolute bewilderment as he managed to respond with, "If you're that upset about the whole affair, why don't you just confess your feelings BEFORE Valentine's? Just because they are the 'Holidays of Love'," Ichigo made the air quotes with his fingers, "doesn't mean that they are the absolute only times a boy or girl can confess their feelings."

Now it was Shinji's turn to look dumbfounded at Ichigo's logic, before he smacked his forehead and said disdainfully, "Of course someone could confess their feelings at another time, but it's just not the same! The atmosphere is completely different! Love isn't being advertised on every corner and the girl is just not expecting it!"

Blinking in surprise, Ichigo scoffed and asked, "Wouldn't it be better to surprise the girl? Wouldn't that mean more to her than just some sappy White Day confession or something?"

Shinji threw his hands up again and shouted to the heavens, "Can the guy be any more dense?" before turning back to Ichigo and said slowly, "If you knew anything about girls, you'd know that the female sex absolutely THRIVES on sappy, mushy, gushy, lovey-dovey, sickly sweet and commercialized expressions of love! They watch all those dramatic movies with the heart-wrenching love stories that make them cry all over the boxes of chocolates, bowls of ice cream and popcorn, bags of chips and glasses of hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows on top that they label as being 'comfort food' while they then dream of some handsome hunk like the one on the screen somehow coming in, sweeping them off their feet and carrying them off into the sunset on horseback!"

There was a long pause before Ichigo turned slowly to address Kensei and asked quietly, "How does that make any sense?"

Returning Ichigo's incredulous look, Kensei said gruffly, "Keep in mind, we are talking about girls here. There are some things about those creatures that completely defy a guy's sense of how someone should logically behave in a situation."

Shaking his head, Ichigo said, "No, I get that there are some things about girls that guys just don't get, but do they seriously want someone like that one actor…oh whatshisname…the guy who was in that movie 'Pride and Prejudice'…"

Shinji supplied, "Colin Farrell."

Shaking his head, Hachi said slowly, "No, I think his name is Colin Morgan."

Holding up a finger, Love said, "Actually, I think it's Colin Ford."

Throwing his hair over his shoulder, Rose said, "No, the actor's name is actually Laurence Olivier."

Everyone paused in surprise before Kensei scoffed and said, "At least the others were close all their different 'Colins', but you're not even close."

Rose looked irritated as he retorted, "Laurence Olivier didn't just do Shakespeare! He was in the very first Pride and Prejudice movie ever filmed playing the role of the handsome and dashing Mr. Darcy."

Rolling his eyes, Kensei replied, "Be that as it may," turning his gaze back to Ichigo, Kensei said, "the guy you're thinking of is Colin Firth."

Nodding in agreement, Ichigo said, "As I was saying, I'm surprised girls would want to ride off into the sunset with someone like him. I mean, one good punch and that guy would drop like a ton of bricks."

Everyone looked at Shinji in expectation for a moment before he crossed his arms, once again taking on the persona of a teacher redirecting a wayward student, and said, "That's not the point. Girls swoon when they hear him talk of his love for Elizabeth and how much he wrestled with his feelings before finally confessing them to her. They find him dreamy."

Smirking, Ichigo said, "I still say he's a wimp. Just because the guy is 'dreamy'," once again he made those sarcastic hand gestures, "doesn't mean he can wrestle with anything stronger than his emotions and expect to come out on top. Looks like he even lost that wrestling match."

The others stared at Ichigo in astonishment before Kensei snickered and said with a smirk, "Kid's got a point there," to which Ichigo crossed his arms and looked satisfied with his own victory.

Massaging his temples, Shinji muttered to himself, "This might be harder than I thought…"

**Author's Note:**

So this is a prize story requested by RomaniaBlack on deviantart I think all the way back in November...I am so terrible and thank you so much for your patience sweetie! Hope you like it! Part 2 coming out REALLY soon...I hope...

Also, even though I am poking fun, just like with my story 'Tragic Debate' I am poking fun at things that I do as a girl. I sigh, cry (not very often but every once in a while), eat comfort food, dream about one of those handsome guys coming and knocking at my door in order to confess undying love and all the things that most girls do. We can be really silly in that regard and that's fine every once in a while. It's how we were designed and created. And also, it's just loads of fun.


	2. Chapter 2

Getting Caught in Cupid's Crossfire

It was a few days later when Ichigo finally got up enough courage to approach his sisters about something that had been bugging him ever since his 'defeat' of Shinji.

Trying to act nonchalant, Ichigo leaned up against the counter, looking rather bored and asked Yuzu casually, "So, what's for dinner?"

Looking up at her older brother briefly in order to give him a quick smile before returning to what she was doing, Yuzu answered breezily, "Curry. Does that sound good to you?"

"Yeah, yeah," Ichigo said smoothly, "Sounds great."

Turning as if to walk away, Ichigo stopped midstride and went back to the counter and asked, "Hey Yuzu?"

"Hmm?"

Scratching the back of his neck, Ichigo said slowly, "You know, I was just wondering about something…"

This got Yuzu's attention as well as Karin's, who was supposedly listening to music in order to drown out any possible fights that might break out at any moment.

Throwing her brother another quick glance, Yuzu turned down the heat of the stove and then faced Ichigo asking, "Wondering? About what?"

Now that he had gotten their full attention, Ichigo was beginning to have second thoughts about his plan, but before he could stop himself, Ichigo heard himself ask, "Do girls really like guys who act like those romantic movie guys? Like Mr. Darcy or somebody?"

Yuzu's eyes began to glow as she replied, "Well, of course! Nearly every girl dreams of having the man she loves and adores being all romantic when they declare their love to her."

Seeming to look off into space, Yuzu said in soft, rapturous tones, "He could write her a poem that would have the acronym 'You are my heart' or something like that. Or he could send her flowers on any given day just to show her he was thinking about her."

"Yuzu," said Karin abruptly, "You're getting off-track. You're just listing things a guy can do to show a girl he likes or loves her. Ichigo asked why girls like guys like Mr. Darcy."

Frowning slightly, Yuzu replied, "But I was answering Ichigo's question. Mr. Darcy convinces Elizabeth for sure and certain that he loves her when he goes and pays off Mr. Wickam to marry Lydia. Because of his love for Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy went to great lengths in order to help preserve her family's honor, but he did so without any expectations."

Shaking her head, Karin said, "That wasn't what you were saying before."

Nodding her head emphatically, Yuzu stated, "I was too! Obviously not all men can do exactly what Mr. Darcy did in saving a female relative's reputation because there are very few cases like that. However, what I was trying to say is that there are plenty of ways for a guy to show that he loves a girl in the small ways and it is especially effective if that guy does not expect anything in return for his attentions."

Turning back to the curry, Yuzu finished with, "That's not to say that the girl can only be on the receiving end of such attentions and never give back to her boyfriend or husband, but such expressions of love are usually more effective when given from a man to a woman."

Grinning over her shoulder at Ichigo, Yuzu asked, "Does that answer your question, Big Brother?"

Ichigo's response was to grunt in acknowledgement before scratching his head and making his way up to his room. He needed some time to mull over this knowledge acquisition.

* * *

Next day at school, Ichigo stalked up to Uryu and Chad and said curtly, "Come with me," before turning and stalking back out of the classroom.

Exchanging a brief, communicative glance between them, Uryu and Chad silently followed their friend out of the classroom and up onto the roof. They stood there for a minute or two looking at Ichigo's back, but Uryu and Chad could tell that Ichigo was scowling at the ground, deep in thought. Finally, when he turned around, Ichigo asked a question that neither one could have anticipated.

"Who got a Valentine's Day gift from Orihime this year?"

Uryu exchanged a brief look with Chad before he answered coolly, "Well, I believe she gave something to Keigo…" Ichigo looked positively dumbstruck at the revelation until Uryu kept going, "Mizuiro as well. Chad and I both got her chocolates and I think she gave some to Tatsuki, Chizuru and Miss Ochi."

Adjusting his glasses, Uryu went on with his list, "I believe that I overheard that a basket of chocolate goodies were sent to Urahara's Shop to be shared by all. I also heard that there were several other packages given to Kisuke to be sent over to the Soul Society and given to Rukia, Rangiku, Captain Hitsugaya, Captain Ukitake and his lieutenants as well as several others."

Ichigo's scowl deepened as he asked, "Why so many? Isn't she just supposed to give chocolates to the guy she likes?"

Crossing his arms, Uryu answered, "Do remember that this is Orihime we are talking about. She is a sweet girl with a big heart who loves her friends and holds them in high esteem, so of course she would take advantage of a holiday where the sole purpose of it is to celebrate love."

Before Ichigo could say anything, Uryu went on, "Yes, usually young people our age and in our culture will only give Valentine's Day presents to the person we are attracted to or are fortunate enough to be dating or courting, but that is not always the case. If Orihime wants to use Valentine's Day in order to show her love and affection for her closest friends, and especially when she feels grateful to most of them for coming to save her from Hueco Mundo…" Uryu allowed that thought to hang in the air for a moment before he finished with, "…then I don't see what the problem is."

Scratching the back of his neck, Ichigo said slowly, "I guess so…" he let out a groaning roar before he said in an irritated tone, "But then I can't keep my promise!"

Chad spoke up asking, "What are you talking about?"

Beginning to pace back and forth, Ichigo replied, "I told Orihime that I would protect her and make sure nothing bad happened to her. I need to know if she likes anyone so that I can make sure they're a Mr. Darcy and not a Mr. Wickam."

Uryu and Chad stood in stunned and confused silence for a few moments before Uryu ventured to ask, "If I understand you correctly, you wanted to know who Orihime had given chocolates to so that you could then go, find the guy, interrogate him or something in order to make sure he is someone worthy of her?"

Ichigo's startled gaze shot up to meet Uryu's inquiring one as he said, "Yes…" before he asked hastily, "You know about Pride and Prejudice? How?"

Quirking an eyebrow at Ichigo, Uryu replied, "Just because it is a romantic story mostly geared towards women, doesn't mean that men can't at least have a working knowledge of the plot and characters within it," giving Ichigo a grin, Uryu went on, "Besides, girls tend to like guys who are not just into 'shoot-em-up' action stories and can have intelligent conversations about a girl's favorite love story. Lastly, while we don't have to be as mushy-gushy as some male characters, in some of those stories the male characters can be good role models to take after."

Shifting his weight so that he leaned more heavily on his right foot, Uryu said, "Before I head back to class, I'm just going to give you some food for thought. Obviously Orihime sent out gifts of chocolate to all her close friends and people whom she feels grateful too, but isn't it possible that among those gifts she might have given one to whom she does harbor a secret affection for?"

And with that, Uryu turned and left the roof with Chad trailing behind him leaving Ichigo alone to mull over all the new information he had just acquired. Scratching his head and scowling even more fiercely than ever, he started trying to reason out just who Orihime might be attracted to. And it was going to take him some time before he finally came to a conclusion.

As they were making their way back to the classroom, Chad broke the silence by asking, "What are you thinking, Uryu? We both know that Orihime likes Ichigo, but now you've sent him off following the wrong scent."

Looking up at his tall friend, Uryu answered in a dead-pan tone, "Everybody knows that except him. And it's obvious that he cares about her otherwise he wouldn't have pulled us to the side to ask us about who Orihime likes. Something has got to be done about them and as Ichigo was talking, I began to see a possible plan for how those two could finally face the truth and say out loud what everyone already knows and sees."

There was a slight glint in Uryu's eyes as he finished with, "All I need to do is set certain things in motion, apply the right amount of pressure and I think the results should be quite satisfactory."

Adjusting his glasses, Uryu said mostly to himself, "I had better go and purchase a second set of glasses."

Chad asked in a confused tone, "Why?"

Uryu said simply, "Because if all goes as planned, I'm probably going to need them."

* * *

This couldn't be right. It had to be a mistake. There was no possible way that all of this…stuff was meant for her.

First, it had begun at Orihime's shoe locker with a simple note shaped like a heart that read 'May this White Day be all you ever imagined it could be…and more.' A sweet little card and Orihime was used to receiving notes from people confessing their deep feelings for her, but nothing had ever come of them before. People would leave them anonymously and she would never bother to find out who the person was because they never pursued their affections any farther.

However, the moment Orihime had set foot into her homeroom and looked over to where her desk usually was only this time…it wasn't a desk. Her desk was gone and in its place was…well, the only way she could think to describe it was a throne. An honest to goodness throne. Not meaning to, Orihime approached the throne as if it might explode at any moment.

The throne was made of wood that was painted to look like gold with hearts, Cupids and flowers carved on the arms and sides. The cushions on the seat and back were a rich sapphire hue, overly plush and comfortable looking with gold borders and tassels glinting and winking in the morning light.

In front of the throne was a miniature writing desk, complete with a stack of writing paper and several calligraphy brushes. Lying on the desk was a note addressed to her in impeccable calligraphy, which she unwittingly reached for and opened without thought.

The note read as follows:

_'To the Queen of my Heart,_

_Long have I harbored affection for you in secret and this year I could no longer hide my feelings. Before I come out and declare my love for you to the world, please consent to be treated as royalty for all to bear witness to. Others pay homage to you by referring to you as 'The Princess of Karakura High', but today of all days, you must be seen as and treated like a sovereign monarch._

_Oh, my queen! My love! My delight! My-'_

Orihime wrenched her eyes away from the page and dropped it back to the desk as if it had just burned her. Her eyes were wide and her face was burning after what she had just read.

Up until now, Orihime thanked Heaven that she was alone in the classroom, but her heart dropped into her stomach when she heard the door to the classroom slide open. Moments ago, her head had raced as she tried to figure out what she was going to do with the throne and desk, but it was too late to try and get rid of them now. She would just have to live through this somehow and hope that people would forget the incident very, very quickly.

Turning to face the newcomer, Orihime's heart stopped for a couple of heartbeats before it began racing from her stomach to her throat and back again. She began to feel rather queasy and light-headed as she stared dumbly at the surprised and dazed brown eyes of Ichigo Kurosaki, whose attention was entirely occupied by the 'Throne of Hearts'.

'Out of all the people who could have possibly walked in, why did it have to be Ichigo?' Orihime asked herself.

After what seemed like an eternity, Ichigo dragged his gaze away from the garish sight of Orihime's throne to look with a dumbfounded expression into Orihime's eyes and ask almost stupidly, "What's going on?"

His words jumpstarted Orihime into action and she alternately wrung her hands then began flapping them helplessly in the air before using them to fiddle with her hair and so on as she said brokenly, "I don't…just walked in…wasn't expecting…oh dear, oh dear…so confused…can't be right…can't be for me…it can't be…feel sick…"

This last part was said so softly that Ichigo almost didn't catch it, but the next moment he sprang into action and only just made it in time to Orihime's side as she collapsed senseless towards the floor in a dead faint. Ichigo stood frozen for a time with one arm wrapped underneath Orihime's arms while the other held her around the middle. What was he supposed to do now?

Hearing footsteps outside the classroom, Ichigo turned his head in time to see all of his friends step foot inside the room before freezing as the took in the strange tableau in front of them. Ichigo, standing in front of a posh throne and miniature writing desk, gripping a limp and senseless Orihime to his chest. For some reason, in the back of his mind Ichigo tried to picture what it must look like…and he didn't like what he conjured up.

Then when Tatsuki took the first step forward, Ichigo thought simply, 'I'm dead.'

Fortunately, Ichigo was granted the chance to defend himself as Tatsuki's fury had not had a chance to really begin roaring yet as she tried to find the right question to ask, "What…why…how…where…when…you…" then she seemed to get her bearings as she glared daggers at Ichigo and said in a low growl, "Explain. Now."

Looking from Orihime's still form to the throne and then to Tatsuki, Ichigo said helplessly, "Don't know…came in…didn't make sense…she fell…"

The next moment, Orihime let out a soft groan and stirred slightly causing Ichigo to look down at her for a second before his whole demeanor changed in an instant. He knew what needed to be done and he wasn't going to waste any more time.

Unhooking his arm from around Orihime's waist, Ichigo rewrapped it underneath Orihime's knees so that he could carry her limp form more easily from the room. Seeing the change in their friend, Tatsuki and the others quickly made a path for him to exit through and then followed him out into the quickly filling halls. Students and teachers gasped in surprise and slight alarm as they witnessed the strange processional marching towards the nurse's office.

Only Uryu and Chad remained behind in the still empty classroom for a moment before Uryu strode over to the window, opened it, pulled a blue handkerchief out of his pocket and waved it three times back and forth. An instant later, two figures dropped from above and landed on the windowsill, quickly disassembled the throne and desk, somehow managing to fit all the pieces into two ordinary looking hiking backpacks before dropping noiselessly to the school grounds below and casually strolling away.

For his part, Uryu had left the classroom briefly and then returned bearing Orihime's original desk and chair before arranging them neatly in their proper place. He then picked up the note and tossed it in the waste paper basket.

Only then did Chad speak up and ask, "Aren't you worried about someone finding the note? Orihime is sure to tell Ichigo and he's probably going to hunt for it."

Giving his big friend a knowing grin, Uryu said, "Never fear. In a few minutes the invisible ink on that note will fade away, leaving only a scrap piece of paper that someone used to try and do some math problems with."

Adjusting his glasses, Uryu said in a satisfied tone, "Looks like I didn't need those extra glasses after all."

Crossing his arms and looking down at his friend, Chad said, "You might want to keep them. Just in case Ichigo does find out how you planned the whole thing with Urahara…"

But Ichigo didn't find out nor did he have the desire to do so. At the moment, he was too busy waiting for a certain princess to wake from her sleep so that he could tell her how he really felt about her.

At last, Cupid's arrow (or Urahara's and Uryu's…however you want to look at it) had found its mark.

**Author's Note:**

I hope you guys enjoyed this as well. I really didn't have a clear plan what I was doing at first. It just kind of happened and I thought 'Eh, why not keep it like this?' As always, if things don't make sense, let me know and I'll try to clear up any misunderstandings.

Hope you laughed along with me at the absolute absurdity of it all!


End file.
